So where was I? (I told you it's gonna be a long one. haha)
I think I've covered the external hurdles quite alright. Moving on to what used to stop me from wearing the hijab. The reasons that came from my own self.
I used to say, I want to wear the hijab, but I'm not ready yet. In school, my time was "after I got married". You know, cause you want to wear those gorgeous Vera Wang wedding dress, and let's face it, baju kahwin melayu melampau sangat labuci and laces and what nots dia. No, you don't want to wear hijab before you get married cause your reception is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, and dammit, you wanna look good, and you can't do that with your head covered. Or so I used to think.
The other one was my lifestyle. Once you started hijab, you can't go out to the places that you used to go, you can't hang out as much with your guy friends (especially for the late night sessions). And being me, I'm kinda used to the "hey, ho, bertepuk tampar" thing with my guy friends, so memang tak eloklah kan kalau pakai tudung buat cam tu (honestly I'm still working to fix that, haha). Yep, I put off my decision again.
So yes, I had the same dilemma as what some of you are going through now. We know that the hijab is an obligation, but we're just not ready yet. Doesn't this sound familiar?
"Tamau ah pakai tudung, tapi buat perangai tak elok sume"
"Buat pe pakai tudung tapi muka terpampang kasi BJ kat mat rempit tepi longkang?"
"I think I'm not ready yet, maybe once I dah semayang, dah tak buat benda2 ni semua I pakai. Buat malu nama agama je kalau I pakai pastu buat benda tak elok"
Believe me, this things were always coming out of my mouth. You want to wear the hijab, once you feel that you are mentally, physically, and ibadah-wise ready. But there's a fallacy to that idea.
No one's perfect.
You want to wear hijab when you've become perfect, but no one's perfect. Ergo, when exactly will you be able to wear the hijab? Or to ask this question in a wider perspective, when are we gonna change into something good? I realised this one fine day, and it was the same day I decided to wear the hijab. It was nothing dramatic really, in the afternoon I was temaning my mom to buy a few scarves, then when we wanted to go to dinner I just decided "maybe I should cover this head of mine". Nearly two years down the road, Alhamdulillah, the scarves are still here to stay.
I think many have heard, read, watched testimonials of hijabis and how their hijab actually liberated them. I'm sorry, but at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm one of them. Wearing a hijab was kinda like how a dash of cold water was like to a drowsy person. You know things are there, you know it's important, but you couldn't gauge how important some things were before. It made me more aware of my place in the society, and contrary to popular belief that hijab is a symbol of oppression to women, I became more of a "feminist", LOL.
I wanted to prove to people that this girl with the scarf wasn't oppressed, dumb or submissive. I became more competitive and I was eager to show people the other side of Islam, the side that wasn't always portrayed by Muslims, when the fact is, it should. I read more about the world and Islam, more about Islam really, and I fell back in love. it wasn't like I didn't care about Islam before, rather, it was sidelined,it wasn't the priority as much as it was now. Hijab made me want to be a better person, and in a way, I think I already am a better person, and could be even better in years to come.
All these long-winded grandmother stories was just to prove one thing: YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN BY ITSELF. Yes, you might think you're not worthy to carry the Muslim image now, but you have to start somewhere. The state of "readiness" that you're looking for is not about whether you're willing to let go of your lifestyle now, rather, it depends on whether you want to START to be that better person and take that leap of faith. I know I took mine, and it was one heck of an adventure. I'm still far from being perfect, I still curse A LOT, I'm still struggling tu cukupkan lima yang wajib (there, a confession!) and there are many many more vices that are unislamic or just screwed up with me really. But I took that baby steps, and I'm still learning to walk, and there are many "fall flat on your face" incidents, and many more to come, but for now,
This is okay :)
haha everything that you've written, every thoughts that has crossed your mind, has crossed mine too.
ReplyDeleteand it has made me think that perhaps when you don on the hijab, that is when you'll have the constant reminder that you need to behave a little better and to become a better muslim.
it's a huge step and frankly saying, im not ready to take that leap of faith (for all the same reasons that you have listed down) but i believe that it will not stop me from discovering religion.
perhaps the time will come. and perhaps it will be sooner than later.
doa doa kan je lah i eh my? heheheh.
btw, on another totally unrelated note, i noticed that u have also commented on http://cursingmalay.blogspot.com/2010/11/selepas-anda-menonton-video-inisila.html
i have done the same and im guessing that my comment will not be so popular. just in case, backup i weh. hahahahahaha
whoaaa..I just read the other comments, and sorry la, but bapak bangang derang ni komen cam tade ilmu!!! ok, I lagi bengang dengan derang2 ni
ReplyDeletehahahahahaa. kan kan kan.
ReplyDeletetak tau nak kata apa.
that was exactly what my bestfriend said jugak. lagi bengang dengan orang yang spread and comment rather than budak dua orang tu. LOL
tatau la, I always feel that it is an uphill battle when we deal with the Muslim society in general. We are so far away then where we should be.
ReplyDeleteAnd about your comment, yes, the hijab is a constant reminder for me to not do something bad. Like asal nak buat something je, cam fikir, "eh, kang tak pasal2 satu agama malu sebab aku" and I guess it's a good way to discipline myself.
Which reminds me of a friend who went to UK. She started wearing the hijab cause she was afraid that she'll get influenced there. It might not be a strong enough reason, but along the way, she learned to like the hijab, and when she came back to Malaysia and wanted to take it off, it felt...wrong for her. Maybe guidance from Allah comes in many different ways =)
To each it's own. No man's path is the same. I'd like to think we'll snap out of our reverie before it is too late. We just have to have faith in it, and at the same time work for it, tak kisahlah whether u start it with hijab, being more disciplined in solat, or just getting to know our roots back. Insya-Allah we'll make it =)
babes, i pon marah dengan orang2 melayu yang bombard those kids. (from link that tasha gave)
ReplyDeleteye memang diorg rempit, memang diorg salah kissing depan klcc.
if i was there, i would say "get a room, this is malaysia".. or panggil pakcik guard.
but man, those words that came out from those ppl.
memang jahat sangat.
amy, i love your article.
EVERYTHING that you wrote actually touched my heart.
You just put up all the dilemma ... oh tersentuh hatiku. =)
right on, hani!
ReplyDeletesee, this is the thing. Commenting from the comfort of your chair is easier than in real life. I know majority of the people yang tak habis2 maki tu will only look, stare, then blahh kalau nampak. Just because budak2 tu taley jumpa derang, boleh la nak berani kata nak kasi pelempang bagai. Dah la mengutuk online, pakai anonymous lak tu. Takde kredibiliti pun kalau camtu.
Which reminds me of an incident I've seen back then. A group of girls just selamba je tukar baju, YES, tukar baju kat bawah tangga in broad daylight. Dah la tu, lepas bukak tu, dengan bra je boleh melepak duduk borak2. I tengok, minah yang tudung labuh semua cuma geleng2 kepala je, pastu dok mengomel between themselves. Takde pun yang berani tegur, mengumpat pandai. Last2 i gak yang sound minah2 tu. Lepas I sound, ada hati derang nak senyum pastu tunjuk isyarat bagus.hmmpphh